the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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