I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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