The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
