Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
