Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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