You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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