I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
