Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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