Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
