the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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