Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
