my vag is so smooth its legendary
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
