You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
