I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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