When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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