planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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