I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my shit smells like andre
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
