true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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