You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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