I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
