shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
