i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You ruined the universe
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
