And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
