i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
