Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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