if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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