what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
