youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
