Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
