Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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