They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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