im having a threesome with these popsicles
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
