Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
