she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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