I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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