I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
