I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
