Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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