im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
