Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
