I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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