why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
