If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
