It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
