Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
