Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
