can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I am naked and annoyed.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
