Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
