My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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