i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
