my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
